My Heart and My Head

It has been so long I nearly forgot what it was like to have this feeling, this pit in my chest that aches every time I think of you. Not to mention the sheer crashing force of it falling into my stomach when you talk to me. I know it's all just hormones and expectations but why does it feel so gut-wrenching-ly real? I find myself avoiding meals because I know that if I see you or talk to you that it's going to drop into my stomach and I don't want to feel sick. I also don't understand how I can hold such high expectations of someone I barely know. We barely speak and yet I make excuses so that I can justify my feelings for you. You have shown very little interest but for some reason my foolish heart has decided that you are all it wants for the time being. Honestly I don't know why I let it lead itself into these dire situations. My head knows what my heart ignores, this is not safe, not healthy, and definitely not love. No matter how hard it tries my head will never win against the heart though; with its strong and foolish ambition to love someone it constantly forgoes the basic need to be loved in return. I caught myself thinking the other day "... I could survive without being loved in return, as long I could give my love to someone." And that is no way to think, or live. That is not right. That is how I've loved in the past and it has created more problems in my life than I can count. Why do I keep following this deadly pattern? Why can't I wait until I find someone who loves me back? What if I don't love the one who loves me? Wouldn't that be ironic... life seems to turn out that way more often than not...